Theodore Roosevelt once said “comparison is the thief of joy.” It certainly can be. In addition to stealing your joy, comparison can breed jealousy and contempt. Teddy Roosevelt wanted people to find joy and gratitude in their own lives without comparing between one another.
Comparison can also be the thief of grief. Without realizing it, you can discount your own feelings based on the fact that someone else has it a lot harder than you. This was the beginning of my grief in 2017. Spoiler alert: I was pregnant, but I’m not pregnant anymore.
Journal entry, October 4, 2017
“We found out we were expecting a baby one month ago on September 4, 2017. It was Labor Day, and I took a home pregnancy test first thing in the morning. We’ve kept it a secret so far, and we’re trying to wait until Thanksgiving to tell our families.
We’ve already talked to both our moms about coming over for Thanksgiving this year. We’ve never hosted Thanksgiving, so it should be a big clue for them. On September 9, we went to Lafayette to see a movie with my mom. The restaurant we chose for lunch was right next to a Hallmark store. David picked out a Christmas ornament while I shopped for my mom’s birthday card. The ornament has a place for a sonogram photo and it says “My First Christmas.”
I started envisioning our family months ago. I bought a little onesie at Target last spring. I also bought a little wooden sign that says, “Dream Big, Little One.” I’ve been keeping those things in the spare room just waiting for the time to decorate.
Within the last few weeks, we have talked a lot about the nursery. I want framed photos of animals from the Galapagos Islands displayed on the wall. Since the room is already painted a bold blue color, the photos will look great in white frames. I bought a large world map canvas at Hobby Lobby and I want to hang it above the baby’s bed.
The intended nursery has a daybed in it, and David’s most concerned about the furniture fitting in the room. I think the daybed needs to stay, but we’ll see if it all fits.
Last week, we had our first doctor’s appointment. The doctor congratulated us, did an ultrasound and drew some blood. By the afternoon, he called and said he needed to see me again. He was concerned because the sonogram technician did not see a fetal pole. With the pregnancy hormone levels at 42k, they thought they should be able to see a little baby, or at least a fetal pole. The doctor ordered more blood tests in 48 hours.
We left town for vacation and decided to do the blood tests in Madison, WI on Monday. By Tuesday morning, my doctor had the results and called us with an update. The levels rose, but not as much as the doctor had hoped. He expected the number to have doubled, but instead the hormone levels were at 59k.
The doctor wants to see us again for a sonogram as soon as we get home. I haven’t experienced any pain or bleeding, so I’m still hopeful we have a normal pregnancy. We’ll know next week. ❤ “
Upon returning from vacation, the doctor saw us on October 11. He did another sonogram and confirmed his diagnosis. There was no baby and this would not be a successful pregnancy. He called it a Blighted Ovum. Basically, the sperm found the egg, the fertilized egg implanted in my uterus, but it never made a baby. It’s hard to characterize it as a miscarriage, but I haven’t found a better term for it. We didn’t lose a baby. We lost the hope and dreams and idea of the baby that we thought we were expecting.
The next couple of days went by really quickly. The doctor informed me we needed to schedule a D & C, a surgical procedure to remove the products of conception. David brought me to the hospital for that surgery, and, once it was all done, the doctor said we could try again in a couple months.
I’ve compared my situation to a hundred others, and I know it could’ve been worse. Comparing my situation to more severe cases only diminishes my feelings. It takes away from a healthy grieving process. Losing a pregnancy at any stage is a terribly hard thing to go through.
Instead of allowing comparison to steal my grief or my joy, I’m focusing on gratitude. I’ll be forever grateful for a spouse that supports me in endless ways. I’m grateful for the joy and anticipation we shared during those weeks we were expecting. I’m grateful for that vacation to Wisconsin allowing us to spend time strengthening our bond. I’m grateful to our friends and family that have been supportive through this difficult time.
tperrynola 
This is an incredible sharing of emotions. I’m in awe of your strength and I’m so proud to be your sister. You inspire me to be a better person.