The Lie: I Don’t Need Therapy

If you haven’t read Rachel Hollis’ Girl, Wash Your Face, you are missing out.  She starts every chapter with a lie she once believed.  The idea is that you have to acknowledge these things before you can change and, hopefully, grow.  My favorite lies are: “I need a drink” and “I am defined by my weight.” I identify with so much in these chapters.  I quit drinking in 2016 and I haven’t looked back.  I would be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that not drinking is the hardest decision I make on a daily basis.

Drinking & Driving: Why I Chose Sobriety Six Months Ago

Having battled with my weight and my self-worth for as long as I can remember, it’s refreshing to hear Rachel’s struggles and the tips she used to overcome the lie that she is defined by her weight.  After all, weight is just a number.

So in reading Rachel Hollis’ words of wisdom, she reiterates that her awareness and growth came from therapy, and a lot of it.  If we don’t spend time sitting with our thoughts and sorting out our beliefs, how can we expect to grow and learn from our experiences?  For the past decade, I have believed I didn’t need therapy.  Or, to be more specific, I believed I had already maxed out on what I can gain from therapy.

When I was in law school, I visited the University Counseling Center.  It was not my first venture into counseling, but it was the most helpful.  Until then, I had only seen a counselor at a church in my hometown.  To say that process was stifling is an understatement.  First of all, my mom was with me.  She thought I needed saving.  And she also thought the sexual assault I experienced as a teenager was partially my fault.  It’s not fun to talk about that perception, but it is rampant and real.  If a 14-year-old girl finds herself in bed with a much older man, she’s responsible for her choices.  She’s old enough to make her own decisions.  She was looking for attention.  The advice I took away from my first counseling experience was twofold: ask for forgiveness for your part in what happened, and pray for the perpetrator so that you may eventually forgive him.

Later on, when I decided to seek counseling in law school, I had a much better experience.  I sought counseling because I didn’t like feeling “crazy.”  It’s so easy to say women are crazy, but it isn’t nice.  It isn’t fair.  And most of the time, it isn’t true.  I was obsessing about things that, in hindsight, were silly.  I knew I had an over-thinking problem, and I wanted to get better.  I needed tools to control my thoughts and emotions.  I needed to be able to have a conversation about my feelings without crying.  The biggest motivation of all: I wanted to be better without medication.  Therapy was my answer.

I saw a therapist weekly, and she helped me unravel things that hadn’t made sense before.  Therapy gave me a safe space to talk about my struggles and to acknowledge where I was coming from without judgment.  When I stopped going to see my therapist, I thought I was fixed.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but I see it clearly now.  Even in the conversations between my mom and my sisters and me, I offered advice and helped others work through their emotions because I had become an expert.

Fast forward a decade, a marriage and a child later.  I need therapy.  I need someone to talk to more than ever.  After a brief phone conversation with a professional last week, I learned the technical term for what I am experiencing: transitional anxiety.  Having a baby can change your life.  People will tell you it is the most wonderful and terrifying thing you will ever face.  What they don’t tell you is how to handle it.  Sure, I can handle it, but I’d like to do more than “handle” it.  I’d like to excel at it.  I would like to enjoy it.  Also, I’d like to enjoy my marriage.  I’d like to enjoy my work.  I want to get the most out of life and be able to take the ups and the downs without emotional breakdowns.

I thought I was done with therapy years ago.  Turns out, I was lying to myself.  I may need therapy for the rest of my life, and I am okay with that.