His First Public Tantrum

It was bound to happen eventually, but I still wasn’t ready. Nothing in life has prepared me for the first public temper tantrum from my not quite two-year-old toddler. He and I have been making quite the bond lately. He talks really well and has entire conversations with me about what he’s learned at day care, who he wants to call while we’re driving or what song he’d like to listen to. He has an wonderful playlist if you’re interested. Black Pumas, Johnny Cash, Hamilton Soundtrack, Tee Nah Nah, Shama Lama. Those are just some of his frequent requests. We try not to permit screen time because we don’t want a youtube-addicted toddler. Music, though? Completely acceptable.

We evacuated for Hurricane Sally. Call me crazy, but I didn’t know what that storm was going to do, and I didn’t want to stick around and find out. He was a trooper on the road, but it’s still a long drive for a tiny human. The September heat was taking no prisoners. Neither the window shades nor the weaving roadways could protect him as the sun shone through his back seat window. By the time we arrived, his little Lion King shirt was drenched with sweat. We drove three hours, listened to several of his favorite tunes on the way, and we met up with some of my family for lunch. Little did I know this cafe my mom chose for our meal would be filled with restaurant-goers who, like us, did not have work or school that day. It was so full there was a 30-minute wait. Y’all. A wait list at a restaurant in Oakdale. It’s almost unheard of. The staff was very kind, and they even put in his order before we were seated because Nana noticed he was getting antsy.

Antsy is a polite way to put it. He was up and down and all around the restaurant for the entire half-hour wait. We might have gotten seated earlier, but my sweet Aunt Vicki told the hostess to allow two servicemen to be seated ahead of us. Although we were technically in front of them in line, she wanted them to have a table first. She’s truly a kind-hearted person and later paid for their meal. My family is apparently hardcore patriotic, and I cannot complain. Scratch that. I should not complain. But I might. My toddler and his hungry, tired, frustrated tantrum made a scene for the ages. I think the servicemen would’ve preferred to eat in quiet instead of listening to him screaming while they ate their chicken salad croissants and drank their sweet tea.

By the time we were next to be seated, my son was having a full-on meltdown. It crossed my mind several times that I should have his sippy cup and snacks handy, but I kept thinking we would be seated soon. The diaper bag was not stocked with snacks and toys the way the Parents Magazine advised. When I remembered that the water and snacks were in the car in a cooler, it was too late. I had already offered him crackers which he dropped and/or refused. And the crackers incident sent him into a tailspin. My precious cherub lay flat on his back in the middle of the restaurant wailing. Wailing to the heavens because I threw his crackers in the trash. Either he wanted the cracker and it was gone, or he didn’t want the cracker and I kept offering it. Whatever I tried, he wasn’t having it.

I’ve read more than my share of articles, print and digital, on parenting a toddler through a tantrum. Some experts say their little emotions are too big and they cannot communicate their feelings yet. Some experts say it’s all in their diet, and proper nutrition can affect behavior. No matter the research or resource you refer to, there is solid advice out there for tantrums. One common underlying theme is to stay calm. Got it. I am patient. I got that one in the bag. I will not let my anxiety fuel his anxiety and make the situation worse. So, I patiently carried him out of the restaurant. The experts say maybe a change of scenery will do the trick. We went outside. In the heat.

When we got outside, I decided to put him down, even though, in retrospect, it could have been detrimental to his safety. After all, experts also say that a toddler can flail in a way that can be harmful to themselves or others. Put them in a safe place, a place where they cannot cause harm. Not the sidewalk. Not the dirty sidewalk outside the restaurant where the heat overpowered the northerly winds from the hurricane. He put his face to the concrete and continued wailing. Now, he was causing a scene and eating dirt. I scooped him up again and offered to walk up and down the sidewalk with him. He wanted to be held; then, he didn’t. He yearned for his mommy, but pushed me away.

In that moment, I felt helpless. Absolutely helpless. I’m his mom. If I can’t soothe him, what am I even doing? If my most important job in this life is motherhood, and I truly believe it is, then I must be failing. Nothing would please him in that moment, and I just wanted it to end. I found a bottle of water in my car, and I offered it to him. All the research says to try to distract them, so that’s what I tried.

“Would you like some water?”

“Would you like to hold the water bottle?”

“Look, the bottle rolls when you throw it.”

“No, don’t go in the street to get the water. Mommy will get it.”

He started to calm down. On a scale of 1-10, he was down to about 4 on the tantrum level. He was still sniffling and clingy, but he could get some words out. He decided he wanted to see Nana inside the restaurant. I decided it was a good time to go back in the restaurant. Going back in was definitely premature. As soon as we crossed the threshold, he lost his composure. I advised my family we would wait in the car. This disturbing nightmare behavior was not going to be acceptable at the lunch table. Nana asked if there was anything we need, and I said an iced water may be helpful. When we got to the car, I still didn’t know what to do. I placed him down in my driver seat, and I closed the door.

He was crying the most pitiful cry with the most pitiful face and he could see me through the glass of the driver door window. I stood outside the car, crying in tandem with my toddler, feeling utterly helpless. It occurred to me that I had a sparkling water in my cup holder. He always wants to drink my sparkling water. Maybe he’ll want to drink the water, and it will interrupt the tantrum. As I made my way to the passenger side of the car to attempt to give him the sparkling water, Missy was walking down the sidewalk to bring his iced water. You would think the iced water was a miracle cure. Either the water or Missy are the miracle cure. Whatever it was, I was grateful to have the tantrum behind us.

He was a perfect precious cherub for the remainder of our lunch. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how cute he was eating his lunch. He had a spinach salad with fresh berries, grilled chicken and almonds. We ordered balsamic vinaigrette for a salad dressing, and he dipped his salad pieces, and sometimes his whole hand, in the dressing. He ate some of my Lay’s potato chips with the dressing as well. Don’t judge. He was living his best life at this point. Moral of the story? I don’t know if there is one. Kids cry sometimes and lose their marbles. Thankfully, we all lived through it.

MJ Dardar

It was 2013 and I had just won my first motion to suppress.  What should have been a celebratory dinner turned into a forced, coerced and unfair plea agreement.

I filed my motion knowing it was a long shot, but I was in front of a fair judge and I had to try.   The defendant was accused of possession of heroin and resisting police with force or violence.  The prosecutors were convinced they would win, well, because they usually do.

In this particular case, the defendant was in a motel room when the officers approached and demanded to search based on reports of illegal activity.  There was no warrant for the search.  The officers pushed their way in and the defendant resisted.  At this point, the defendant had not done anything illegal to get arrested.  Therefore, the officers did not have a reason to take him into custody.  I argued in my motion that the defendant was not resisting police with force or violence if the police were initiating an unlawful arrest.  Basically, you have the legal right to defend yourself if the arrest is unlawful.

The officers arrested the defendant for resisting with force or violence and then proceeded to search the motel room.  They argued it was a search incidental to his arrest.  I argued there should not have been an arrest in the first place.  I won the motion, but I lost the war.

It was early on in my career and the prosecutor was threatening to appeal the ruling.  I argued for a bond reduction based on the successful motion to suppress.  If bail is set based upon the weight of the evidence, then the suppression of the evidence is a good reason to change the bail obligation.  The judge was about to grant my motion to reduce the bond when the state argued the court can’t hear an oral motion.  It has to be in writing.

That afternoon, the defendant entered into a best interest plea in exchange for credit for time served and in exchange for his co-defendant girlfriend getting her charges dismissed. In retrospect, I was bullied and my client was pressured to enter into the plea deal.  My client pleaded guilty to criminal damage to property, a felony.  Knowing that the state could not and would not prove any the other allegations against him, they offered to let him plea to any felony he wanted.  Under the ‘best interest’ plea guidelines, it was legal.  It felt wrong then and it still feels wrong now.  He died on Easter Sunday this year.

I can’t help but carry the guilt of that day.  It was a defining moment in my career.  It was a host of lessons learned in the span of one afternoon.  When someone pleads guilty to a felony, it follows them around for life.  Even when an arrest gets expunged, officers of the court can see it.  Judges, prosecutors and arresting officers can see your expunged rap sheet even when you think your record is clean.  Each time my client encountered police for the next several years, they would see a felony conviction for Criminal Damage for which he was truly not guilty.  Each time he got arrested thereafter, I felt responsible for allowing that plea to happen.  And then he died.  Without any fanfare or funeral because of the COVID-19 statewide shutdown, his family quietly mourned.

It’s not the first client I’ve lost, and it likely won’t be the last.  It’s one that hits me hard, though.  I remember him as warm and friendly.  He was quiet when we first met.  He was skeptical about the court system and my willingness to help him.  How could I blame him?  He knew we were fighting an uphill battle, but he eventually trusted me to fight the battle with him and for him.  We became close because I was willing to fight for him.  He trusted me, and I took it very seriously.  We bonded because we agreed the police had overstepped in his case.  We won the battle that day, but sacrifices were made.  May MJ rest in peace, knowing that he made a difference in my life and many others.

Jury Trials in the Midst of a Pandemic

Some studies suggest social distancing guidelines will be present well into 2022. Workplaces, restaurants and public restrooms are some of the most concerning environments for the spread of COVID-19. Courtrooms might not be making headlines, but, I assure you, dozens of people were crammed in a small courtroom this past January. I was there. I’m a trial lawyer. And now, nobody can have a jury trial. What does a trial lawyer do without trials?

It’s important to remember local courts are not always on the forefront of technological advances. While federal courts have had e-filing for years, local courts have not embraced e-filing, if they’ve permitted it at all. Some courtrooms are equipped with technology, but the judges are still reluctant to use it. Lawyers and judges alike are having to embrace technology in ways we have never imagined. For the trial lawyer, the thought of having a jury trial with social distancing is as foreign as the USA without the constitution. Try as I might, I just can’t wrap my mind around conducting jury selection with a mask on.

I’m here to start the conversation. Or at least keep the conversation going.  Like it or not, we have to have trials in the midst of a pandemic. The Louisiana State Bar Association has offered free continuing education courses online over the course of the statewide shutdown. One of the greatest online courses I have yet to attend was this past week, and the subject matter was Jury Trials in a COVID World. The speaker was a trial consultant, Betty Dunkum, and the first trial consultant I have ever met. By looking at what other states are doing, we can generate a comprehensive list of “Best Practices,” and be prepared for trials in a reasonable timeframe. Betty Dunkum is assisting us in figuring out what other states are doing and what issues we might expect as we attempt to conduct jury trials in the future.

If you’ve never been called for jury duty, you’re missing out. Although many people dread jury duty, you’ll find the people who serve as jurors often appreciate the experience. It’s a long and sometimes boring journey from jury selection to opening arguments, but it is fascinating if you get to see it through to the end. If you’ve been to court in Houma, you know the courtrooms are either really big (one is) or really small (the rest of them). The large courtroom is so large it is often used for mock trials and middle school field trips. The smaller courtrooms are often overflowing with members of the community on any given court date. In fact, members of the public often get turned away because there is simply not enough room to accommodate the onlookers along with the people who have been ordered to appear.

FORESEEABLE PROBLEMS AND SUGGESTED SOLUTIONS

Now, with the COVID-19 outbreak in mind, you may wonder how they will pack the courtrooms. Or unpack the courtrooms. You can’t just ask everyone to wear a mask and ignore the other social distancing guidelines. There is guidance to suggest that we should seat people six feet apart in the courtroom. Imagine a six-year-old’s dance class where the dance instructor has used electrical tape to put an ‘X’ where each child should stand, often at arm’s length apart. That’s what you may see when we return to court. Instead of arm’s length apart, you may see the ‘X’ six feet apart. Spoiler alert: small courtrooms cannot accommodate very many people sitting six feet apart.

We can and should screen people before they enter the courthouse, thereby limiting the ongoing exposure to the virus. Here’s a novel idea: stagger court appearances. There’s no law that says you have to appear in court at 9 a.m. Another piece of advice from the trial consultant: limit the number of people in the courtroom. Consider different spaces for holding court. Alternate spaces in your community may be available if you’re open to it.  Consider stadiums, coliseums, or auditoriums. Friends, onlookers or supporters should not be allowed physically to appear in court, but can watch public courtroom proceedings on a live feed, streaming on the internet. Leave the doors open to minimize human contact with door handles. Sanitize frequently and between cases, especially the witness stand and counsel podium.

More advice has come out considering making time for all the court cases that are backlogged.  Maybe we should consider extended hours for court? Would it kill us to work longer shifts, including evenings, overtime and weekends, if necessary? Few people realize the magnitude of the court’s dockets. There is much work to be done and the cases are piling up even more so due to the the statewide shutdown.There will be so many people coming to court, we might want to consider using pagers. Just imagine you’re at the Outback Steakhouse waiting for a coveted table for four. It’s also been suggested that we utilize retired judges and create more opportunities to handle matters in court. If you cannot make headway on your list of pending cases, consider calling in some reinforcements.

There is so much advice here, your head might be spinning. Mine was. Then I realized, I’m putting the cart before the horse. Nobody is willing to set trial dates yet. So, if we don’t have a trial date, why rush the “how?” Let’s figure out all the ifs, ands, and buts.  Then we can pick a trial date.  That strategy is terrible. I understand the need for sorting out details and slowly getting back to some semblance of normal. But we cannot deny the constitutional right to trial indefinitely. Or can we? A recent article on Law.com posed the same question, albeit not a question at all:  COVID-19 Cannot Be the Death Knell of the American Jury Trial.

CRIMINAL TRIALS MOVING FORWARD 

The advice of Betty Dunkum and other experts is to prioritize criminal trials. This is because of the obvious deprivation of freedom involved. If the defendant is in custody and they have a constitutional right to a speedy and public trial, we should prioritize that over a run-of-the-mill personal injury case. Often overlooked is the State’s right to a speedy and public trial. Victims and society at large both have an interest in getting the case resolved and moving on with their lives. The question remains, though: will there be jurors willing to serve? We should first let the public know that we understand their concerns and that we are taking precautions around the courthouse. Include a statement of safety protocols with the jury summonses. Have a public forum. See what concerns the general public has surrounding jury duty. We may utilize questionnaires like never before.

If you’ve been called for jury duty in Lafourche Parish, I’m sure you’ve seen the jury questionnaire. It’s full of basic inquiries including family size and occupation. A more thorough questionnaire may include health screening and hardship questions to resolve before anyone steps foot into the courthouse. There is the possibility of using electronic jury questionnaire systems such as eJuror or iJuror. Members of the community can answer questions online rather than having the court personnel and attorneys sift through paper copies of questionnaires, which is a nightmare. Online questionnaires sound like a dream. Another great use of technology is an automated phone system. Excusals are a given in some circumstances, and deferrals may be given as a matter of right for the first-time juror. Second deferrals, however, may be given only for good cause. Let’s automate some of the things that have traditionally been handled on the morning of trial.

Potential jurors have traditionally been ordered to appear at 8:30 a.m. on a particular day. What if we opened up other areas for them to wait rather than having all of them wait in the same small courtroom? There are unused auditoriums in several schools spread across the parish. There are often unused courtrooms as well. We just have to think outside the box. Imagine a world where a hundred potential jurors can wait at home for a text saying that they’ve been chosen for a voir dire panel. They would have the responsibility of electronically checking in from their respective homes. The deputy clerk of court or bailiff would mark them “present,” and then the random drawing of names would begin. When the panels are chosen, they can be directed to come to the courthouse at a specific date and time.

Some potential jurors would be concerned about sitting in close proximity with others during a pandemic, civic duty be damned. Those at high risk for contracting the virus may want to stay home more now than ever. How does that affect the parties’ right to have a jury that is representative of the community? Will we see healthy, middle age people showing up for jury duty and the absence of the immunocompromised and elderly? The court would need to reassure them that the health and safety of the public has been, and will continue to be, a priority in implementing these new procedures.

Is the jury box too small? Put the jury in the gallery. Where will the audience sit, you ask? Maybe consider streaming the trial online for public view instead of having onlookers appear in person. Utilizing plexiglass has been a new standard for most checkout counters, including post offices and grocery stores. The use of plexiglass isn’t limited to those public spaces, though. We can put plexiglass in front of the judges’ benches, around the witness stands, or around the bailiff stations. What if we used dividers to place between the jurors for their deliberation? Too much?

The deliberation process is the most concerning part of the jury trial for social distancing measures. You want the jury to be able to communicate comfortably. Some courts have considered utilizing larger spaces for jury deliberations. For those unfamiliar with the process, jury deliberations usually happen in a space similar to that of a conference room. There may be a coffee pot and a restroom included for the group of six to twelve people. Judges have been known to order in food to accommodate starving juries without delaying the deliberations. Add this pandemic to a conference table full of adults sharing donuts or pizza, and you’ve got a dilemma.

Experts have advised that enclosed spaces such as restaurants present a particular risk for the spread of the virus. The air circulation and the inevitable spread of particles are unavoidable in confined spaces. And wearing a mask is not feasible when you’re consuming a meal. Imagine a conference room where secrecy of the proceedings is paramount. It has to be a confined space.  However, we don’t have to serve food in the confined space. Juries are allowed to go out to restaurants or to go home for lunch throughout the trial. This could be permitted during deliberations as well. Jurors are instructed not to discuss the case with anyone, not even each other, until they’ve heard all the evidence. A similar gag order could be added to the deliberations if and when juries have to leave the courthouse for meals.

And we don’t have to have the jury confined in a small space, either. We have to use our imaginations. What if we allowed the jury to deliberate in the courtroom and the attorneys and court personnel exited the courtroom for the duration of the deliberations? There are so many different ways that we can utilize the spaces we have to accommodate the current crisis. The problem is that we don’t seem to have the urgency of finding solutions. Where will the urgency come from if not from the trial lawyers?

MOUNTING PRESSURE OF A TRIAL DATE

The pressure of a pending trial encourages settlements. Any practicing attorney can tell you that cases are more likely to settle rather than going to trial. However, if the parties don’t have a trial date set, the cases sometimes make little to no progress. The reasons for settlement in both criminal cases (plea deals) and civil cases vary. It boils down to risk.  There’s no predicting what will happen during a trial. If you want to avoid any risk of losing, you can often negotiate prior to trial. The pendency of trial encourages both sides to line up their witnesses and gather evidence. If your witnesses cannot be found or if your evidence is not amounting to what you thought it would … then you may be more likely to make a deal. And avoid a trial.

What if you have all these newfound COVID-19 precautions ready and the case settles at the last minute? Have you wasted a jury? Well, the criminal dockets have been prepared for this all along. Many criminal courts utilize “priority lists” to make sure more than one case is prepared to go to trial. This will be more important than ever due to the backlog of cases. If several incarcerated defendants await a jury trial, the last-minute plea deals should give the next man (or woman) on the priority list a chance to have their day in court.

Now, with all this in mind. Could we consider for a moment having a jury trial online?  Is that even feasible? It could be. But you would need the consent of all parties.  And you might need a bailiff or another security officer available to observe the jury functions.  Juries come in many forms. One example is a grand jury, which requires a quorum, and investigates whether the state should pursue criminal charges or not. A grand jury’s proceedings are supposed to be secret. If you consider having a grand jury online, you would utilize a video conferencing tool with increased security measures. There are also concerns regarding the isolation of jurors if they’re appearing by video. They should not have distractions such as background noises or onlookers, including, but not limited to, toddlers and nosey teenagers.

Even if we are able to present evidence and testimony to a remote jury, it is highly recommended to have the jury deliberations held in one location. Remote jury deliberations would present a host of problems, not only for secrecy, but also for consensus. Often times juries will break out into smaller groups or have side conversations amongst themselves. This may not be possible if everyone is participating through video conferencing. Jury deliberations will likely continue to be held at the courthouse, but may be held in a larger area to maintain social distancing.

I’ve been in court recently where the opposing attorney objected to a proceeding being handled by simultaneous audio/visual transmission even though my client was incarcerated and consented to this use of technology for the hearing. What was the reason, you ask? Well, he thinks cross-examination is more effective in person. He insists on risking his health and that of everyone else so that he can intimidate in person.

The pandemic will likely present new and interesting problems for the trial lawyer.  Suppose we have to present documents from afar? Suppose we have to make several copies of documents so as to not require the jury to share them and/or touch them after one another. Suppose we have to sanitize exhibits between witnesses. Suppose we have to cross examine from a web-cam. Suppose we have to be uncomfortable for a while. So be it.

Betty Dunkum of Victory Trial Consulting, LLC, https://www.victorytrial.com, presented Jury Trials in COVID World, an online continuing education course, on Thursday, May 14, 2020.  This article, covering many of the same points as her presentation, was drafted with her permission.

COVID-19 Cannot Be the Death Knell of the American Jury Trial

A Time to Reflect

What a blessing to have time to reflect during a global pandemic.  I know not everyone has time to think or meditate during the chaos that has become our lives.  I have close friends and family in healthcare, and I see the wear and tear on their faces.  They don’t have time to think about what’s going on, and they certainly won’t have time to read my blog.  If you do have time, I recommend thinking about where you are and where you want to be in the midst of this crisis.  Are you defeated?  Are you pessimistic?  Or are you finding joy in the little things?

As my eyes open each morning, I count the hours until the noon update on the Department of Health website.  Healthy?  No.  But I’m not perfect.  I know the overconsumption of news and social media can cause anxiety and despair.  Yet, I seek it out once a day.  As I write this blog, there are 137 recorded COVID-19 deaths in Louisiana.  Our friend felt it first-hand when he lost his grandmother this week. I want to be informed and I want to be appropriately cautious about what I do and say in the light of the global crisis. But I can’t sit with the bad news for too long.

I’m also seeking out positivity and creating space for little ‘pick-me-ups’ throughout the day.  Did you know the Cincinatti Zoo is hosting Home Safari videos on their Facebook page? They are!  We’ve relaxed our screen time rules for Junior to watch Fiona the Hippo and others interact with animal trainers at the zoo.  It’s been a fun and lighthearted way to switch up family time.  I also watch the Start Today morning show with Rachel and Dave Hollis when I can.  Often lighthearted and accompanied by music, I look for their insight and inspiration on a daily basis.

Ironically, this time of isolation has brought us together in some ways.  While we are physically separated, we are commiserating in ways that are so rare.  It isn’t often we can say collectively, “I know what you’re going through.”  It’s true for now, and it might be true for a while.  We are collectively going through a tough time.  How did you get through the last hard thing?  Share your experiences to get through this hard thing.

I’ve been through hard things.  I made it through those hard things.  And it’s funny how quickly we can forget how strong we are. “It is [your] attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome.” This quote by William James really resonates with me right now.  I get grief for being overly optimistic at times, but it sure does beat the alternative.  I often think back to pregnancy and childbirth, and man, that was rough.  But I came out the other side stronger than I ever imagined. I’ve made it through hard things before, and I’ll make it through this.

I’m hopeful that the spread of the virus slows and that we can regain some sense of normalcy.  But in the meantime, I lean on my experience and my tenacity.  Tenacity is your ability to make it through, or, your persistence.  I encourage you to do the same.  Look for examples where you have made it through hard things.  Look for examples where we have made it through hard things.  Think about the challenges we have faced as a community, especially on the Gulf Coast.  Think about our American history and what our grandparents saw during the Great Depression.  Think about the soldiers in our families who have fought and died in service of their country.  We have made it through hard things before, and we will make it through this.

International Women’s Day

Man, I feel like a woman.  If you’re tired and emotional, feeling overwhelmed all the time, and you’re always worried that you’re forgetting something, then you probably feel like a woman, too.  Unfortunately, these are familiar feelings. I’ve seen a lot of posts about the power of women today, but I want to share the real feelings of this woman, in this moment.

It is a constant struggle to make time for myself.  Tonight, I write this blog at almost midnight on a Sunday evening, after spending more than a few hours at my office.  I couldn’t let the sun set on #InternationalWomensDay without at least acknowledging it.  The truth is, I could’ve written my blog while the baby was napping today.  Or I could’ve written my blog while he slept in this morning.  During both his morning and afternoon snooze sessions, I was managing household responsibilities such as unloading the dishwasher or making a grocery list.  Then, I took a nap!  That’s right! I slept while the baby slept.  That’s what so many wise women told me to do when I had him.

Sleep when he sleeps.  But when should I chase my dreams?  When can I exercise? If I sleep when he sleeps, when can I work on my personal growth and development?  When can I make time for my husband? Whew! I’m more stressed now than when I started this topic.  You get the point.  Being a woman comes with a lot of anchors weighing you down in different times and at different weights.

One of my friends used the “four burner” analogy when we discussed this last year.  She said you cannot possibly have all four burners (career, family, health, friends) on high all the time.  You’ll run yourself ragged.  In order to be successful, you have to turn one off.  In order to be really successful, you have to turn two off.  If I decide to prioritize myself, at what point can I put the toddler on the back burner (metaphorically speaking, of course)? Or, if we’re being honest, how long can a husband stay on the back burner without attention?

Y’all.  I do not have the answers.  I do, however, feel strongly that we have to find a community to connect with in order to survive these times.  My community is the women in my life.  I talk to my mom daily.  She is one of many influential women in my life.  She instilled certain values in me that I refuse to take for granted: humility, positivity, determination. Another woman I talk to almost daily?  SSRN (She shall remain nameless).  SSRN is a hard-working mother of two destined to quit smoking, stop yelling at her husband and live her best life.  Our conversations consist mostly of sharing war stories.

“How was your day?” I asked her.

“Barely made it,” she answered.

If it’s not one thing it’s another.  And that’s how we become consumed with anxiety.  If not for the feeling of community, we may be tempted to give up.  On this International Women’s Day, I want to remind all the women in my life to keep going.  Even when it’s hard.  Even when you feel pulled in several directions.  Especially when you’re not sure if you can make it through.  Keep going.  I don’t know what’s on the other side of the hard thing you’re going through, but I do know there’s a community of women waiting to welcome you to their tribe.

Mercy

I saw a movie over the weekend, and it reminded me why criminal justice reform is, and always will be, such a passion of mine.  Just Mercy is a story about a man sentenced to death.  He was wrongfully accused, wrongfully convicted and wrongfully incarcerated for several years.  Not only was he wrongfully convicted, but he was also sentenced to death.  When a jury of his peers chose a life sentence, the judge in Alabama overturned the life sentence and sentenced him to death.

There was a scene in the movie that struck me harder than some.  The lawyer, Bryan Stevenson, had to convince his client “Johnnie Dee” to allow him to represent him for free.  It was compelling because I’ve had that same conversation hundreds of times throughout my career.  As a public defender, my clients don’t choose me.  And I can’t choose them.  When I’m assigned a case, I introduce myself and shake the client’s hand.  I know that I have to earn their respect, and it’s a tall task.

There’s a misconception among the public that public defenders, or ‘state lawyers’ are less than, but we’re often some of the most passionate and studied lawyers in the practice.  Bryan Stevenson was starting the Equal Justice Initiative in Alabama.  He would go on to change many lives through that initiative.  I went to see Just Mercy because I knew it would be a compelling retelling of a tragic story.  It’s a story we see all too often in the criminal justice system.

On this MLK day, I want to remember not only how far we’ve come, but also how far we have to go.  Stereotypes and stigmas often control how we think, how we vote and whether we care about a certain issue.  Wrongful incarceration should matter to everyone.  And public perception about criminals has to change before we can convince people that wrongful incarceration still happens.

If you’re convinced that someone is guilty simply because they’ve been arrested, you’re forgetting about the presumption of innocence.  If you’re against reasonable accommodations for inmates, you’re forgetting that many inmates are innocent, being held prior to any finding of guilt. If you think innocent people don’t get arrested and accused of crimes, go watch Just Mercy.

Pregnancy Announcement 101

When I found out I was pregnant in January of 2018, I couldn’t wait to tell my husband.  I had already taken a few tests at home, but I wanted to be really sure.  I had an unsuccessful pregnancy in 2017, and I was really nervous about another pregnancy.  So, I did what any reasonable woman would do… I went to CVS and bought a $20 digital test.  The test confirmed that I was indeed expecting.  Once I told my husband our good news, he and I started thinking about the announcement to our families.

Announcements come with a lot of pressure.  I wanted to tell some people in person and I wanted to make sure those people didn’t tell the other people that weren’t first on the list.  For all the folks I couldn’t tell in person, I printed announcements to be mailed. Geographically, David’s family is closer.  We told them first over dinner at El Mexicano.  Then, we headed to Oakdale to tell my mom.  My sister, Keri and her kids were at my mom’s house so they were able to share in the announcement.  The next morning we Facetimed with Terri and Dan Kohler, my namesakes.  My longtime bestie, Devre’ came to my mom’s house to have breakfast with us and we told her the good news.

Next up, we saw my brother and sister-in-law in Bossier City.  Lunch with Chris and his family is always fun.  We told them we were just passing through and wanted to see them.  He picked a BBQ place not far from the interstate and we all met there on his lunch break.  Nobody at the table was more excited than Amanda, or “Bun,” as we call her.  She squealed when she heard the news and she probably frightened everyone at the restaurant.

We drove on to Texas to continue our announcement tour and I prayed that nobody had told my sisters, Jennifer and Melissa.  We got to Jennifer’s house around dinner time and Melissa was already there.  Sadly, Jennifer had shingles and she couldn’t touch me or my belly.  Next we met up with Shelly and Glen for dinner at a Mexican restaurant.  They were equally excited for us and Glen even bought our dinner.

The next morning we were scheduled to fly out to Chicago at 5 a.m.  Glen had graciously agreed to drive us to the airport, and, although he overslept, he did get us there on time.  I had my announcements with me and I finished addressing them during our travel day.  Once we got to Chicago, I mailed them so everyone would know our exciting news.

Our Chicago vacation was one for the ages.  Our last true vacation as a family of two.  We walked the city.  We ate a lot of great food.  We saw museums and parks and sights that we’ll never forget.  Most importantly, we celebrated our love and our growing family.

 

Letter to an Old Friend

 

30 June 2016

Dear Bernard,

I am taking your advice. Many years ago, you told me not to work too long in public defense, that it would wear on me. You should know. You did public defense work most of your life, and it wore you down. Now, I’m worn out, and I’m ready for something new.

I went to law school so I could be in a position to help people. I thought public defense was the best way to achieve that goal. However, I was not fully prepared for the consequences of my decision. I was not prepared for the battle to prove myself to my clients and my colleagues. People often question whether or not I’m a “real lawyer.” I smile politely and confirm that I went to law school and passed the bar exam, just like my “paid lawyer” friends. Those are the uninformed folks. I almost enjoy the stereotype, because it means they underestimate me. The bar is set so low, I am bound to impress them.

The problem persists, though, when professionals join in on the stereotype, and even benefit from it. Attorneys and judges alike perpetuate the problem by taking advantage of or demeaning local public defenders. The judges appoint us willy-nilly, creating unreasonable case loads. Then, certain private attorneys speak ill about our qualifications and/or willingness to help. Finally, the judiciary routinely offers better deals to clients represented by private lawyers rather than public defenders. To make matters worse, the judges handle public defender cases last on court dates, which means I spend hours of wasted time in the courtroom. Public defenders are undervalued and under-appreciated in the current system.

How can I convince my clients they are in good hands under these circumstances? I am fighting an uphill battle, and I’m tired. I’m worn out. If you were still here, you would probably tell me I’m too young to be worn out. I cannot deny my feelings, and I respect myself too much to continue working in this environment.

I have learned I cannot control the general perception of public defenders. I can control my career, though. I want you to know I’m opening up a private practice. I will continue my efforts to help people, and I’ll be a much happier person. I’ll take your advice, and I’ll continue on my path to make a difference.

The Lie: I Don’t Need Therapy

If you haven’t read Rachel Hollis’ Girl, Wash Your Face, you are missing out.  She starts every chapter with a lie she once believed.  The idea is that you have to acknowledge these things before you can change and, hopefully, grow.  My favorite lies are: “I need a drink” and “I am defined by my weight.” I identify with so much in these chapters.  I quit drinking in 2016 and I haven’t looked back.  I would be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that not drinking is the hardest decision I make on a daily basis.

Drinking & Driving: Why I Chose Sobriety Six Months Ago

Having battled with my weight and my self-worth for as long as I can remember, it’s refreshing to hear Rachel’s struggles and the tips she used to overcome the lie that she is defined by her weight.  After all, weight is just a number.

So in reading Rachel Hollis’ words of wisdom, she reiterates that her awareness and growth came from therapy, and a lot of it.  If we don’t spend time sitting with our thoughts and sorting out our beliefs, how can we expect to grow and learn from our experiences?  For the past decade, I have believed I didn’t need therapy.  Or, to be more specific, I believed I had already maxed out on what I can gain from therapy.

When I was in law school, I visited the University Counseling Center.  It was not my first venture into counseling, but it was the most helpful.  Until then, I had only seen a counselor at a church in my hometown.  To say that process was stifling is an understatement.  First of all, my mom was with me.  She thought I needed saving.  And she also thought the sexual assault I experienced as a teenager was partially my fault.  It’s not fun to talk about that perception, but it is rampant and real.  If a 14-year-old girl finds herself in bed with a much older man, she’s responsible for her choices.  She’s old enough to make her own decisions.  She was looking for attention.  The advice I took away from my first counseling experience was twofold: ask for forgiveness for your part in what happened, and pray for the perpetrator so that you may eventually forgive him.

Later on, when I decided to seek counseling in law school, I had a much better experience.  I sought counseling because I didn’t like feeling “crazy.”  It’s so easy to say women are crazy, but it isn’t nice.  It isn’t fair.  And most of the time, it isn’t true.  I was obsessing about things that, in hindsight, were silly.  I knew I had an over-thinking problem, and I wanted to get better.  I needed tools to control my thoughts and emotions.  I needed to be able to have a conversation about my feelings without crying.  The biggest motivation of all: I wanted to be better without medication.  Therapy was my answer.

I saw a therapist weekly, and she helped me unravel things that hadn’t made sense before.  Therapy gave me a safe space to talk about my struggles and to acknowledge where I was coming from without judgment.  When I stopped going to see my therapist, I thought I was fixed.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but I see it clearly now.  Even in the conversations between my mom and my sisters and me, I offered advice and helped others work through their emotions because I had become an expert.

Fast forward a decade, a marriage and a child later.  I need therapy.  I need someone to talk to more than ever.  After a brief phone conversation with a professional last week, I learned the technical term for what I am experiencing: transitional anxiety.  Having a baby can change your life.  People will tell you it is the most wonderful and terrifying thing you will ever face.  What they don’t tell you is how to handle it.  Sure, I can handle it, but I’d like to do more than “handle” it.  I’d like to excel at it.  I would like to enjoy it.  Also, I’d like to enjoy my marriage.  I’d like to enjoy my work.  I want to get the most out of life and be able to take the ups and the downs without emotional breakdowns.

I thought I was done with therapy years ago.  Turns out, I was lying to myself.  I may need therapy for the rest of my life, and I am okay with that.

 

 

Longest Night Ever

It started out as a normal evening, or so I thought.  I was giving Junior his last bottle of the night around 9 p.m.  He’s been sleeping well as long as we maintain our bedtime routine.  When I say “sleeping well,” I mean six or seven hours most nights.  I had already bathed him and read him a story.  I dimmed the lights in the nursery, swaddled him up and prepared for our favorite part of the nighttime routine: his song.  We play “Beautiful Boy” by John Lennon every night as we put him to bed. David and I sing to him and rock him before placing him ever so gently in his crib.  David got home from work just in time to do the song.

Baby boy was in bed by 10 p.m. and sleeping soundly.  I showered and dried my hair and even watched a TV show with David.  It was working out beautifully.  I needed to pump before bed, so I did that before finally closing my eyes at midnight.

At 12:20 a.m. the baby was crying.  This was highly unusual.  When I went to his bedroom, I found him lying face down in his crib.  Our baby boy rolled over for the first time, and he was not happy!  I scooped him up to comfort him and took his arms out of the swaddle.  Nobody wants to be lying face down with their arms confined in a swaddle.  The safety recommendations for the swaddle specifically warn parents not to swaddle with the arms in once the babies start to roll over.

I grabbed a bottle from the fridge and sat in the nursery to feed him.  I imagine he wasn’t really hungry, but he was sure mad.  He ate his four ounces without a problem, and I laid him back in his crib around 12:45 a.m.  He’s been swaddled for sleep for the past three months.  Putting him to bed with his arms out was new and strange.  He cried for about twenty minutes before he finally went back to sleep.  I checked on him every few minutes, offered a comforting pat on the butt, but I didn’t pick him up.  It was rough!  It was 1:15 a.m. when I laid back down.

At 4:20 a.m., he woke up again.  I grabbed another bottle from the fridge and sat in the nursery to feed him.  He ate again without a problem, and I laid him back in his crib.  This time, he was smiling at me.  Smiling is not a sign of a tired baby.  I left him there anyway, hoping he would fall asleep.  He did not.  Again, it took him about twenty minutes to go back to sleep, and he cried off and on the whole time.  I checked on him and comforted him every few minutes, but I didn’t pick him up.  I put my head back on my pillow at 5:10 a.m.  David’s alarm went off at 5:15 a.m.

I have an ongoing struggle with my husband and nighttime feedings.  He just doesn’t wake up when the baby cries.  I wake up, and I tend to the baby.  So, when he left for work at 6:30 a.m., I knew he had no idea what I had gone through overnight.  I knew I needed to be in court at 9 a.m., but I was exhausted.  I went back to sleep, hoping that, by some miracle, I would wake up in time to pump or nurse the baby, feed the dogs, get myself ready, get the baby ready, walk the dogs, load the diaper bag and get out the door on time.  That didn’t happen.  I got to court at 9:45 a.m.

Thankfully, everyone in my working circle was very understanding today.  Judges, opposing lawyers and clients can all be a real pain.  But today, the universe was kind to me.  And I needed it.